Shadows
by Snazzles
Summary: Clara's thoughts as she prepares to leave for Italy.  Spoilers for Hallowed! Clara's POV. One-shot.


Disclaimer: Unearthly, Hallowed, and all the dialogue in this story belong to Cynthia Hand. I don't own anything and I'm not making any money off this piece.

A/N: This is my first Unearthly fic, and also my first fic in a while so please review and let me know what you think. Contains spoilers for Hallowed so I encourage you to read that first. Dialogue taken directly from Hallowed. I felt so much emotion at the end of the book that I really wanted to put myself in Clara's shoes and explore what she was feeling.

I apologize for an typos or if it's OOC. Enjoy!

* * *

><p><em>"If I hadn't started the other fire, Tucker would have been safe and your thing with Christian would have gone off without a hitch, and you'd be a good little angel-blood who<em> _fulfilled her purpose. Is that right?"_

_"Are you sure it was your purpose?"_

_"Are you sure about yours?"_

Honestly, I wasn't sure about anything right now except that my brother's words would haunt me forever. I had failed my purpose - that was the only thing I was sure of. That and my mother was gone from this world forever and I felt horribly alone despite my father coming back into my life. How had things gotten so bad?

_"You thought I screwed up your purpose, right? But the truth is, if you'd followed your vision, if you'd just trusted the plan, then you and Christian would have done your thing in the forest, and Tucker would have been perfectly safe, and everything would have worked out fine. But instead you had to go and screw it up for the both of us."_

_Screw it up for the both of us_. Jeffery wasn't lying but it still hurt to hear those words, especially from him. Maybe if I had tried harder to be his friend, or listened when he wanted to talk we could have figured this out. He knew the details of my purpose, if he had told me about his maybe the puzzle pieces would have fallen into place and we could have accomplished our purposes together. Maybe that was the master plan for our lives. Now we'll never know. Am I being punished for not having a better relationship with my brother? He didn't exactly make it easy. He's been so closed off since we found out about Mom. In my mind he's still just a kid, too young to really understand this angel business let alone start receiving his purpose. What are the chances that both our visions would lead us to Wyoming? Slim to none, which is why I hadn't even considered it. I never thought to ask about his purpose. I assumed his visions would lead him elsewhere in this world, not that they would so closely resemble mine. I assumed he would _tell me_ when he started having visions. I was too focused on school, Mom being sick, Dad coming back into our lives, and trying to figure out what I'm doing with Tucker to pay attention to Jeffrey.

And believe me, I still have no idea what I'm doing with Tucker.

Not only have I failed my purpose, I've failed my brother. All the signs were there - he came home the night of the fires in a panic, claiming he was looking for me. I know that was a lie yet I never asked him about it. He'd been practicing flying and had come home that night with blackened wings. Wings covered with soot. I know that because mine were too. I knew he was involved in this somehow but I never asked questions. Maybe I was afraid of the answers. I should have pushed him for more details about that night but our relationship was already so strained that I didn't want to risk making it worse. Ironic now that I think about it. I thought Jeffrey knew he could confide in me. Why didn't he tell me anything? He could have at least _mentioned_ he knew his purpose.

Or he could have talked to Mom. I'm not sure why he wanted his purpose to be a secret but I'm pretty sure it's ok to talk about it. It's not always something we're meant to do alone, clearly.

Now he's gone, and asking us not to look for him. I wouldn't even know where to start. I still don't fully understand what happened that night and how I messed things up so badly. Jeffrey and I are not as close as we used to be, and I'm supposed to be leaving with Angela for Italy in a few days. I'm going to have to respect that he's a big boy and he can take care of himself.

Even though I'll worry about him every day.

I also have to trust that Tucker can take care of himself. Especially since I plan on having little to no contact with him when I'm in Italy. Tucker and I just...kind of fell apart. Especially after the funeral. We haven't talked much and I could really use some time to figure the rest of my purpose out. Plus there's the problem of me going to Stanford and him staying here. It's not that I don't think long-distance relationships can work, I just don't want us to have that pressure hanging over our heads while we're both trying to move on in our individual lives. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to him. It hurt me a lot to break things off with him, especially since it happened at the same time as Mom's funeral.

I love him, I _really_ do.

But I'm not sure I'm in love with him. Not anymore. He will always be in my heart, but so will Christian. Our purposes have brought us together and I have to believe it's for a reason. Just like I have to believe there is a reason I failed my purpose, at least initially. Angela says she sees me going to Stanford and I believe her. I did get in, after all. That has to count for something. It's time to stop fighting my purpose and go where I am supposed to go so I can do whatever it is that I need to do. Even if it means leaving friends behind. Again. Moving to Wyoming was hard enough. This feels impossible.

I will miss Wendy more than I can say. I love having Angela as a friend, especially since she understands exactly what I'm going through, but it's nice to have Wen to talk to about everyday silly things like homework and school dances. Though now that Tucker and I have split up, my relationship with Wendy will also be strained. I can only hope she will still talk to me after all this is said and done.

Tucker is like a memory I have lost. I know I'll miss him like crazy and think about him a lot, but his image is starting to fade around the edges. I know he will only get farther and farther away from me with time. Now I can see Christian more clearly, and know that he is where I am supposed to be. Being with Tucker caused me to fight my purpose, I know that. I knew that at the time but didn't want to see it. Now that we're apart and some of my sorrow has lifted I feel like I can do anything, go anywhere. Be anyone.

I feel free.

Tucker is a fading memory but I can still feel his hand around mine, and my lips tingle when I think about the first time we kissed. I'll always remember that summer, even if I live to be one hundred and twenty. Some things in life are just too good to forget. Unfortunately I'll have to get by with my memories, because I do know one thing for certain: No matter how I feel about him, _how much_ _I love him_, Tucker is my past.

Christian is my future.

And I love Christian too. The first time we kissed was like fire. It was like all the planets aligned and everything was right in the universe. I can't compare it to my first kiss with Tucker, but I do know that kissing Christian felt right. It felt like _home_. I know I'm not ready to be in a relationship with anyone until I figure out the rest of my purpose, but I'm so grateful to have Christian in my life. He knows more about what I'm going through than anyone else; he knows what it's like to lose a mother.

I need him. More than I need Tucker, at least right now. Who knows, maybe once this is all over Tucker and I will come full circle, but until then I can't let myself have that hope. Right now it's time to focus.

An angel-blood has a purpose to accomplish something great in this world. Something that's part of a bigger plan. No matter how painful it is right now, I _have_ to see mine through. I know it's the only way I will be happy.

And that's all I want right now, to be happy.

With or without Tucker.

With or without Christian.

I, Clara Gardner, will go to Italy. I will go to Stanford. I will complete my purpose. And I will _be happy_.

* * *

><p>AN: So, what did you think? Please let me know!


End file.
